Mazhar left for his student exchange program a few days ago. We did contemplate the trip considering that he has SPM this year. Then I thought about how he is only a teenager once and that he should experience a different culture and that we should allow him to grow and mature. I would've sent him last year but he never did ask me much last year.
Ok!! I only have one son who is overly attached to me. He is my strength. Always has been. When Marisa passed away, he spent most of his time tailing me around. He is a very active person who participates in most sports activities. when I asked him why he didn't go for practise etc he told me he pulled out because he wanted to keep me company. So yes, that's what he did. I think he made it his decision to momentarily stop having a life so he could watch over his mum. He'd hang with me, have deep conversations and we'd agree to disagree about everything.He didn't go out. He didn't want to hang with his friends. Soon after Marisa passed,I remember clearly him jumping on my bed and asked me " Whats the difference in losing a father and losing a child?". I really cannot explain because losing someone whom you carried in your womb is a really hard question to answer. But I do talk about everything to him. I need him to know that I'm always here for him and that its ok to make mistakes and that it's ok to not get A's all the time.(I do insist on it though. Yes . I do contradict myself when it comes to the kids) I always tell him that he must be his BEST. He must shine and he must be great. I remind him how blessed he is to have his health and family and I know he knows because he spent most of his life looking at his sister who couldn't do much.
Looking at him now, when I think I can see things more clearly, I think he took her Marisa's death very very hard. They were two years apart and very very close. Marisa would wait for him to come back from school and they'd have their talks of schools and books and all the teenage stuff. He was her BFF. We brought him with us to all her treatments and surgeries. Not only did he live through her sisters illness he also saw her die. He also saw me take care of her. I never knew how I was from another persons view. I don't think many would tell me , afraid of how I would respond. Yes, I was a living time bomb. But Mazhar, he was just there. Always there to give me hugs and to tell me everything will be ok. I asked him if he was ok and he'd say he was. Months later I asked one of his friends how he was when Marisa passed and I was told that he was totally lost and felt like he has lost everything and couldn't imagine dying at an age when life was just about to begin. I could see that but he was strong. When she died he was the one who followed her body everywhere, carried it right into the grave . He took care of her when she lived right to her death. . But Allah has different plans for all of us and I know that Mazhar has a bright future ahead of him. And that he has to move on and live as I should.
He's been sending me photos of his school trip. Even when he's far far away he's sending me pics. Even the food he's eating . One picture caught me eye. It was of him and his good friend on stage with microphones in one hand and the other stretched out. They were giving a presentation at the Japanese school. He seemed confident and comfortable to be there. He then told me he was the leader and that he gave a presentation in front of the whole school of more than a thousand students. I congratulated him and told him that he did a good job. His reply was "It's ok Mum, most of them didn't understand what I said". Yup... that would be his response.
I'm grateful for my lovely children. Each and one of them seems to understand me well and is always sensitive to me. I miss Marisa terribly. I realised now I need her more than she needed me maybe. Life has many unanswered questions. Some of them need not be answered. At this point in my life, I'm going to watch Mazhar grow and be his own person. I have to slowly let him go as I had to let Marisa go. That's another thing in life, letting go and moving on and have faith that Allah knows whats best for us.
Ok!! I only have one son who is overly attached to me. He is my strength. Always has been. When Marisa passed away, he spent most of his time tailing me around. He is a very active person who participates in most sports activities. when I asked him why he didn't go for practise etc he told me he pulled out because he wanted to keep me company. So yes, that's what he did. I think he made it his decision to momentarily stop having a life so he could watch over his mum. He'd hang with me, have deep conversations and we'd agree to disagree about everything.He didn't go out. He didn't want to hang with his friends. Soon after Marisa passed,I remember clearly him jumping on my bed and asked me " Whats the difference in losing a father and losing a child?". I really cannot explain because losing someone whom you carried in your womb is a really hard question to answer. But I do talk about everything to him. I need him to know that I'm always here for him and that its ok to make mistakes and that it's ok to not get A's all the time.(I do insist on it though. Yes . I do contradict myself when it comes to the kids) I always tell him that he must be his BEST. He must shine and he must be great. I remind him how blessed he is to have his health and family and I know he knows because he spent most of his life looking at his sister who couldn't do much.
Looking at him now, when I think I can see things more clearly, I think he took her Marisa's death very very hard. They were two years apart and very very close. Marisa would wait for him to come back from school and they'd have their talks of schools and books and all the teenage stuff. He was her BFF. We brought him with us to all her treatments and surgeries. Not only did he live through her sisters illness he also saw her die. He also saw me take care of her. I never knew how I was from another persons view. I don't think many would tell me , afraid of how I would respond. Yes, I was a living time bomb. But Mazhar, he was just there. Always there to give me hugs and to tell me everything will be ok. I asked him if he was ok and he'd say he was. Months later I asked one of his friends how he was when Marisa passed and I was told that he was totally lost and felt like he has lost everything and couldn't imagine dying at an age when life was just about to begin. I could see that but he was strong. When she died he was the one who followed her body everywhere, carried it right into the grave . He took care of her when she lived right to her death. . But Allah has different plans for all of us and I know that Mazhar has a bright future ahead of him. And that he has to move on and live as I should.
He's been sending me photos of his school trip. Even when he's far far away he's sending me pics. Even the food he's eating . One picture caught me eye. It was of him and his good friend on stage with microphones in one hand and the other stretched out. They were giving a presentation at the Japanese school. He seemed confident and comfortable to be there. He then told me he was the leader and that he gave a presentation in front of the whole school of more than a thousand students. I congratulated him and told him that he did a good job. His reply was "It's ok Mum, most of them didn't understand what I said". Yup... that would be his response.
I'm grateful for my lovely children. Each and one of them seems to understand me well and is always sensitive to me. I miss Marisa terribly. I realised now I need her more than she needed me maybe. Life has many unanswered questions. Some of them need not be answered. At this point in my life, I'm going to watch Mazhar grow and be his own person. I have to slowly let him go as I had to let Marisa go. That's another thing in life, letting go and moving on and have faith that Allah knows whats best for us.