I blog because it helps me but i also haven't been blogging because I do not not want my readers to think that I'm not ok. My life has moved on with my three kids and they really keep me on my toes. But lately..... lately.... I miss her so so much. I miss my talks with her and I miss her company.
This past few days I've been wanting to go to her 'kubur'. I don't go as often as I'd like to but when I do go when I'm able to. I know my doa will reach her from anywhere but I go to remind myself that I buried my child and one day I will be there too. Going there puts my life and my priorities in perspective.
Marisa deteriorated late 2013/early 2014. The haze was never something her chest and lungs could handle. In addition to her low immunity she never quite recovered from respiratory issues. We brought her to the hospital for her puffs and nebulisers but her body couldn't fight and I think towards the end she lost her will to fight not because she didn't want to but her body wouldn't allow it. This years haze has been so lengthy and i keep thinking that if she were alive she would have a very hard time. Allah knows best . I know He took her at the right time. Just allowing her to past her eighteenth birthday. Having such a beautiful person on loan for 18 years and 1 week.
She was looking forward to turning 18. We had conversations about her moving out, going to college , driving a car and what was most painful for me was when she asked me if was ever going to find her Prince Charming, if someone was going to love her. I told her that Mummy and Ayah will always love her but I know in my heart she wanted more. She wanted companionship and love of another. She also knew in her heart that was not going to happen even when I told her otherwise. I do lie to her . Knowing that the truth will hurt. She had more things she wanted to do in life and she knew it was not possible . All of us got busier. I had all my kids to manage and she stayed home and waited for me. It was inevitable. I had 4 kids . I had to try my best to juggle time which I didn't have. She didn't want help. She just wanted her family . She enjoyed her quiet time and she was just happy to have all of us be with her. I felt it wasn't enough but she didn't want maids or nurses attending to her so it was just the family. I'm glad we managed to do that for her..
Now when I look at her pictures I keep thinking that I'm suppose to argue with her, send her to college, see her get married and have kids. I wanted her to have a life. And because she isn't here anymore, it feels like I've failed. I couldn't give her the basic things in life. I know its not my fault but I can't help how I feel. So I remind myself why this world isn't meant for her. There's not much left for her here . The total lack of physical and emotional independence will surely eat a person up eventually. As she grew older and more matured , she understood her health condition. She would cry and she can't even wipe her own tears. It breaks my heart to see her that way. But now, now that she's gone ,my heart breaks from the fact her she's no longer with me. Then I realise me wanting her with me is something out of pure selfishness . When she fought for her health, her life ,she did it for us. What she had was beyond anyone's control. Makes me realise how there's only so much one can do.
I sat by her grave today on my own and cried. Many things going through my head . Knowing that how hard or challenging my life feels there's people out there who's going through worst things, but this is my story. It's been 32 weeks since I spoke to Marisa. I miss it . I miss her. It's easier to embrace my feelings and go through it then to push it away. Marisa, may Allah bless your soul my dear sweetheart. You will always be in my heart.
This past few days I've been wanting to go to her 'kubur'. I don't go as often as I'd like to but when I do go when I'm able to. I know my doa will reach her from anywhere but I go to remind myself that I buried my child and one day I will be there too. Going there puts my life and my priorities in perspective.
Marisa deteriorated late 2013/early 2014. The haze was never something her chest and lungs could handle. In addition to her low immunity she never quite recovered from respiratory issues. We brought her to the hospital for her puffs and nebulisers but her body couldn't fight and I think towards the end she lost her will to fight not because she didn't want to but her body wouldn't allow it. This years haze has been so lengthy and i keep thinking that if she were alive she would have a very hard time. Allah knows best . I know He took her at the right time. Just allowing her to past her eighteenth birthday. Having such a beautiful person on loan for 18 years and 1 week.
She was looking forward to turning 18. We had conversations about her moving out, going to college , driving a car and what was most painful for me was when she asked me if was ever going to find her Prince Charming, if someone was going to love her. I told her that Mummy and Ayah will always love her but I know in my heart she wanted more. She wanted companionship and love of another. She also knew in her heart that was not going to happen even when I told her otherwise. I do lie to her . Knowing that the truth will hurt. She had more things she wanted to do in life and she knew it was not possible . All of us got busier. I had all my kids to manage and she stayed home and waited for me. It was inevitable. I had 4 kids . I had to try my best to juggle time which I didn't have. She didn't want help. She just wanted her family . She enjoyed her quiet time and she was just happy to have all of us be with her. I felt it wasn't enough but she didn't want maids or nurses attending to her so it was just the family. I'm glad we managed to do that for her..
Now when I look at her pictures I keep thinking that I'm suppose to argue with her, send her to college, see her get married and have kids. I wanted her to have a life. And because she isn't here anymore, it feels like I've failed. I couldn't give her the basic things in life. I know its not my fault but I can't help how I feel. So I remind myself why this world isn't meant for her. There's not much left for her here . The total lack of physical and emotional independence will surely eat a person up eventually. As she grew older and more matured , she understood her health condition. She would cry and she can't even wipe her own tears. It breaks my heart to see her that way. But now, now that she's gone ,my heart breaks from the fact her she's no longer with me. Then I realise me wanting her with me is something out of pure selfishness . When she fought for her health, her life ,she did it for us. What she had was beyond anyone's control. Makes me realise how there's only so much one can do.
I sat by her grave today on my own and cried. Many things going through my head . Knowing that how hard or challenging my life feels there's people out there who's going through worst things, but this is my story. It's been 32 weeks since I spoke to Marisa. I miss it . I miss her. It's easier to embrace my feelings and go through it then to push it away. Marisa, may Allah bless your soul my dear sweetheart. You will always be in my heart.