I've been a mum for 19 years. If someone asked me what I love being most would be to be a mum. My role as a mum has been somewhat more challenging that others but I must say it is most rewarding.
Marisa was diagnosed at such a young age. I was 27 then. I really thought my life was going to be like any other mother . But at 27 I had to make such big decisions for her life.I had to think what I had to do for my whole family so that we would be able to go through her illness, try our best to lead a normal life and just be us. Half the time I felt like I wasn't making the right decisions. I felt like I have failed when she got worst, I felt like I have failed when the kids did badly in school and I even felt guilty when I wasn't able to cook for my kids. I took my role very seriously and I wanted to be the pillar that kept the family together through it all. It was a test that I knew required patience and love. So that's all I did. I lived day by day by being a mum and loving my kids. Made sure they got their hugs, sent them to school, go out for lunches with them and ask about their day and did my best. My priority was for Marisa and I explained this to my kids. Why Marisa needed more attention than them. That it's not that I love her more , it's just that she needed me more. And of course we had this role play game where they would all be Kakak Mash and they're unable to do anything.. I think they understood my point . I have learned over the years to allow the kids to be who they are. If I have some faith in them then I think they'll be ok with the right guidance.
So I'm guiding them now. I'm very sure to them my guiding means berleter. I'm ok with that as long as they know my intent is what's best for them. Even with all the challenges , there's nothing I'd change in my life. I think we are where we are and where we should be. I never asked 'Why me?" when Marisa was diagnosed. All I knew is that I just had to keep going. To just move ahead and be patient and be strong. And most importantly do what is right for her.
I think everyone can understand how hard it was when I lost her. I just lost myself. I was incomplete. She was the one person who needed me most and she left me. I realize now I'm the one who needed her . Any parent would assume that they would die first but not so in my case. I just watched her deteriorate and it was so hard to watch her . Not because I didn't love her but because in my heart I knew that it meant her time was close. I couldn't talk about it because it was too hard and I'd be crying. So I started writing. I wrote so I could deal with my emotions without the family thinking I've lost it. and most of all I didn't want Marisa to think that she was a burden to me. So I had to be strong in every aspect of being a mother. When she died, my life changed and it was still important that I'd be strong for my husband, kids, Mum , sisters and all those who loves me.I wrote as a form of therapy. That was my personal outlet.
My therapy turned into a book when MPH offered me to write a memoir on my life with Marisa. I signed the contract and I went on an 18 year journey on my Moleskin filled with timelines and my whole life with her. It was a hard hard book to write. I couldn't write without a tissue box next to me. My kids gave me space and Mazeed knew I had to do this. I relived the moment from when was born right to her death. Every little detail from her smell to what she said still clear in my mind.
The book was written mainly because I couldn't let the memory of my brave child to die with me. I wanted her to be remembered even if in words. I also wrote because I wanted other mothers who ever felt the way I do to know it's ok to feel we do. The need to cry. The need to be sad. There are no words for the lost of a child. But we must not forget that we are also mothers of our living children who desperately needs our time and attention. Give it to them . They will soon have their own lives so make memories with them . Memories which no one can take away from you. Memories which I have chosen to share in a book called 'Caring for Marisa'. So, when the book goes nationwide in June please grab a copy or make your way to Bukit Jelutong on the 22nd May for the lanuch, Hope to see you there...
Till then, Happy Mothers Day to all the gorgeous mum's out there .
Marisa was diagnosed at such a young age. I was 27 then. I really thought my life was going to be like any other mother . But at 27 I had to make such big decisions for her life.I had to think what I had to do for my whole family so that we would be able to go through her illness, try our best to lead a normal life and just be us. Half the time I felt like I wasn't making the right decisions. I felt like I have failed when she got worst, I felt like I have failed when the kids did badly in school and I even felt guilty when I wasn't able to cook for my kids. I took my role very seriously and I wanted to be the pillar that kept the family together through it all. It was a test that I knew required patience and love. So that's all I did. I lived day by day by being a mum and loving my kids. Made sure they got their hugs, sent them to school, go out for lunches with them and ask about their day and did my best. My priority was for Marisa and I explained this to my kids. Why Marisa needed more attention than them. That it's not that I love her more , it's just that she needed me more. And of course we had this role play game where they would all be Kakak Mash and they're unable to do anything.. I think they understood my point . I have learned over the years to allow the kids to be who they are. If I have some faith in them then I think they'll be ok with the right guidance.
So I'm guiding them now. I'm very sure to them my guiding means berleter. I'm ok with that as long as they know my intent is what's best for them. Even with all the challenges , there's nothing I'd change in my life. I think we are where we are and where we should be. I never asked 'Why me?" when Marisa was diagnosed. All I knew is that I just had to keep going. To just move ahead and be patient and be strong. And most importantly do what is right for her.
I think everyone can understand how hard it was when I lost her. I just lost myself. I was incomplete. She was the one person who needed me most and she left me. I realize now I'm the one who needed her . Any parent would assume that they would die first but not so in my case. I just watched her deteriorate and it was so hard to watch her . Not because I didn't love her but because in my heart I knew that it meant her time was close. I couldn't talk about it because it was too hard and I'd be crying. So I started writing. I wrote so I could deal with my emotions without the family thinking I've lost it. and most of all I didn't want Marisa to think that she was a burden to me. So I had to be strong in every aspect of being a mother. When she died, my life changed and it was still important that I'd be strong for my husband, kids, Mum , sisters and all those who loves me.I wrote as a form of therapy. That was my personal outlet.
My therapy turned into a book when MPH offered me to write a memoir on my life with Marisa. I signed the contract and I went on an 18 year journey on my Moleskin filled with timelines and my whole life with her. It was a hard hard book to write. I couldn't write without a tissue box next to me. My kids gave me space and Mazeed knew I had to do this. I relived the moment from when was born right to her death. Every little detail from her smell to what she said still clear in my mind.
The book was written mainly because I couldn't let the memory of my brave child to die with me. I wanted her to be remembered even if in words. I also wrote because I wanted other mothers who ever felt the way I do to know it's ok to feel we do. The need to cry. The need to be sad. There are no words for the lost of a child. But we must not forget that we are also mothers of our living children who desperately needs our time and attention. Give it to them . They will soon have their own lives so make memories with them . Memories which no one can take away from you. Memories which I have chosen to share in a book called 'Caring for Marisa'. So, when the book goes nationwide in June please grab a copy or make your way to Bukit Jelutong on the 22nd May for the lanuch, Hope to see you there...
Till then, Happy Mothers Day to all the gorgeous mum's out there .