Every year on the 26th February, my memory takes me back to the year 2015. It's the last day I spent a full day with Marisa. I remember our topics of conversation. We talked about how it was Anisa's birthday, Umair was to be discharged from hospital , Tok Mum and Nona was planning on coming over for breakfast and how fast time flies as Farhin just delivered Rayyan. Maybe our biggest topic was that she just turned 18. A big thing for both of us considering her illness. Never ever did I thought that it'll be my last day of my usual routine with her.
She seemed her normal self when she woke up. She hasn't been to well with bouts of pneunomia. Phlegm stuck in the chest and she's unable to cough it out. After her normal bathing session, I'd put her on her massage chair for some light tapping in order to ease the congestion. We'd sit and google on how best to deal with her phlegm. I made her onion soup and she had her normal apple cider vinegar and honey drink in the morning. We had our normal chats but she's not as chatty as I think she hasn't been feeling too well. I've learned not to push her and let her be. It felt like any other day.Now, I wonder if I've been so busy that I'm unable to differentiate her norm from what was to become the the day before she died. Yes, I question myself lots. What I remember most was that she was extremely needy. She kept calling me to sit next to her and asked me to adjust her position many many times. I especially remember walking down the stairs and she called out to me . I've only reached the landing and haven't even gotten downstairs. I was tired . So tired. She hasn't been sleeping well especially the night before when she woke me up four times asking me to adjust her sleeping position. Since I didn't get enough sleep either the night before, I have to admit , I was not in my best of mood. I didn't say much because i thought it best. I might say something wrong or I might snap at her.
Afternoon came and I finally sat down next to her. We would talk about movies, all the celebrity gossips and how slow her story book is going. That was her routine. Watching TV and reading. I was so tired that i fell asleep next to her. I woke up from her voice calling out my name reminding me that I'd have to pick up her sister from school.
She was ok and not ok the whole day. Later in the evening while she was watching Revenge, suddenly asked that she be brought into her room as she wants to lie down. I thought it was earlier than her normal bedtime but she said she wasn't feeling well. Mazeed laid her down and after awhile she called again to say she has trouble breathing and she wants to sit up again. Mazeed and I were concerned and told her that we should take her to the hospital. She adamantly refused. After a while I noticed she was turning pale and that's when we rushed her to the hospital. I sat next to her , talking to her and trying to keep her conscious. i just kept talking and talking and she seems to have gone further and further away from me. Her eyes kept opening and closing and I think after awhile she drifted off without a word to me.
When we got to the ER, She was rushed straight in. Her oxygen level was very low . She was already unconscious and in a coma. She was surrounded by so many doctors and nurses and I took a step back and observed all the chaos that was going on. Everything happened so fast, I was briefed of her condition and I was told that there's nothing they could do to help. The day that I had been dreading all my life happened. In that moment, I realised that this is the day. The day she was going to leave us. A chest specialist came to see us and explain her situation. She kept it as simple as possible. Trying to gently tell us that even if they did do anything for her, it was not going to help her in any way. Mazeed and I knew that. Marisa has fought the battle so long and as the doctor spoke , I held on to her and wanted to ask her "Have you had enough of living Marisa?". "Should we stop fighting for you?". Difficult questions for any parent and not one that you want to answer. I knew that even if she could answer , she wouldn't and I knew I had to make that call. The doctor decided it best that we put her on the machine for the night and she how it goes tomorrow. She also told us to call the rest of the family as her time is near.
It was about 1am when everyone came. Lots of tears but no one asked me much. She was transferred to a room and everyone stayed for a bit. Talking to her , holding her hand and my mum gave her some air zam zam to drink. How was I in all that? I'm generally calm when it's all busy . Knowing that i still have to get a hold of myself as my responsibility isn't done yet. I still need to be strong. Also I didn't want anyone to worry about me.
When everyone left and Mazeed brought the kids back home I was alone with her. I laid down next to her and I spent the whole night reciting prayers and talking to her . I told her she was going to be ok. She might no longer be with me but she's going to a place that is so much better than where she is now. A place where she can be and do anything she wants. I think she heard me because she cried. I cried. Tears kept flowing down her face even though she couldn't respond to me. That was really hard for me.
Both of us always try not to cry when we're with each other.I don't because I don't want her to think I'm sad . She doesn't because I think she never wants me to worry about her. The times of putting up a front ended that night. I hugged her close and told her how amazing she has been and how I'm so so blessed to have her and that everyone loves her very very much. I cannot forget that night for the rest of my life. The last night with Marisa. I'm thankful for those hours. I can't imagine how she must have felt . I cried and cried and cried until i had no more tears.
Words cannot describe how it was that night. Words cannot describe what it feels to lose a child . It's been 3 years now and she would've turned 21 on the 19th February. I keep myself extremely busy. I find things to do . I give myself projects. I smile . I move on. I also miss her everyday . I try not to nap afternoon because when I wake up I hear her calling my name. It's so clear. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking i need to go to her room and adjust her sleeping position. It's not easy . It's also something only I can manage. Truth is no one can help me with how I feel. I manage. I'm blessed with my mum and sisters who has known and understood me the longest. I'm blessed with Mazeed who understands my mood swings is always there in the most thoughtful way . My other kids?I love them to bits as I do Marisa. They keep me on my toes and they understand me well. They know why I cry, they hug me all time because they experienced Marisa with me. All I know is that I'm different now. I try to love unconditionally. I only say things that matter. I keep my mouth shut if it's not going to make a difference. I tell my kids I love them all the time. I tell Mazeed exactly how I feel. I think life is too short to focus on things that is beyond our control. We must fight , we must be strong but when it reaches a point where there's nothing more you can do take a step back and let it happen. God knows best. You know yourself best . Don't question that.
I always feel Marisa was a gift to my family in order to make us better people. To remind us who we are.
She might not be with us anymore but she left in the best way possible, The night before she passed, I had that few hours with her.Allah gave me time to talk to her and to tell her everything I ever wanted to say to her and didn't. It wasn't easy but life is beautiful if we choose to see it that way.
She seemed her normal self when she woke up. She hasn't been to well with bouts of pneunomia. Phlegm stuck in the chest and she's unable to cough it out. After her normal bathing session, I'd put her on her massage chair for some light tapping in order to ease the congestion. We'd sit and google on how best to deal with her phlegm. I made her onion soup and she had her normal apple cider vinegar and honey drink in the morning. We had our normal chats but she's not as chatty as I think she hasn't been feeling too well. I've learned not to push her and let her be. It felt like any other day.Now, I wonder if I've been so busy that I'm unable to differentiate her norm from what was to become the the day before she died. Yes, I question myself lots. What I remember most was that she was extremely needy. She kept calling me to sit next to her and asked me to adjust her position many many times. I especially remember walking down the stairs and she called out to me . I've only reached the landing and haven't even gotten downstairs. I was tired . So tired. She hasn't been sleeping well especially the night before when she woke me up four times asking me to adjust her sleeping position. Since I didn't get enough sleep either the night before, I have to admit , I was not in my best of mood. I didn't say much because i thought it best. I might say something wrong or I might snap at her.
Afternoon came and I finally sat down next to her. We would talk about movies, all the celebrity gossips and how slow her story book is going. That was her routine. Watching TV and reading. I was so tired that i fell asleep next to her. I woke up from her voice calling out my name reminding me that I'd have to pick up her sister from school.
She was ok and not ok the whole day. Later in the evening while she was watching Revenge, suddenly asked that she be brought into her room as she wants to lie down. I thought it was earlier than her normal bedtime but she said she wasn't feeling well. Mazeed laid her down and after awhile she called again to say she has trouble breathing and she wants to sit up again. Mazeed and I were concerned and told her that we should take her to the hospital. She adamantly refused. After a while I noticed she was turning pale and that's when we rushed her to the hospital. I sat next to her , talking to her and trying to keep her conscious. i just kept talking and talking and she seems to have gone further and further away from me. Her eyes kept opening and closing and I think after awhile she drifted off without a word to me.
When we got to the ER, She was rushed straight in. Her oxygen level was very low . She was already unconscious and in a coma. She was surrounded by so many doctors and nurses and I took a step back and observed all the chaos that was going on. Everything happened so fast, I was briefed of her condition and I was told that there's nothing they could do to help. The day that I had been dreading all my life happened. In that moment, I realised that this is the day. The day she was going to leave us. A chest specialist came to see us and explain her situation. She kept it as simple as possible. Trying to gently tell us that even if they did do anything for her, it was not going to help her in any way. Mazeed and I knew that. Marisa has fought the battle so long and as the doctor spoke , I held on to her and wanted to ask her "Have you had enough of living Marisa?". "Should we stop fighting for you?". Difficult questions for any parent and not one that you want to answer. I knew that even if she could answer , she wouldn't and I knew I had to make that call. The doctor decided it best that we put her on the machine for the night and she how it goes tomorrow. She also told us to call the rest of the family as her time is near.
It was about 1am when everyone came. Lots of tears but no one asked me much. She was transferred to a room and everyone stayed for a bit. Talking to her , holding her hand and my mum gave her some air zam zam to drink. How was I in all that? I'm generally calm when it's all busy . Knowing that i still have to get a hold of myself as my responsibility isn't done yet. I still need to be strong. Also I didn't want anyone to worry about me.
When everyone left and Mazeed brought the kids back home I was alone with her. I laid down next to her and I spent the whole night reciting prayers and talking to her . I told her she was going to be ok. She might no longer be with me but she's going to a place that is so much better than where she is now. A place where she can be and do anything she wants. I think she heard me because she cried. I cried. Tears kept flowing down her face even though she couldn't respond to me. That was really hard for me.
Both of us always try not to cry when we're with each other.I don't because I don't want her to think I'm sad . She doesn't because I think she never wants me to worry about her. The times of putting up a front ended that night. I hugged her close and told her how amazing she has been and how I'm so so blessed to have her and that everyone loves her very very much. I cannot forget that night for the rest of my life. The last night with Marisa. I'm thankful for those hours. I can't imagine how she must have felt . I cried and cried and cried until i had no more tears.
Words cannot describe how it was that night. Words cannot describe what it feels to lose a child . It's been 3 years now and she would've turned 21 on the 19th February. I keep myself extremely busy. I find things to do . I give myself projects. I smile . I move on. I also miss her everyday . I try not to nap afternoon because when I wake up I hear her calling my name. It's so clear. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking i need to go to her room and adjust her sleeping position. It's not easy . It's also something only I can manage. Truth is no one can help me with how I feel. I manage. I'm blessed with my mum and sisters who has known and understood me the longest. I'm blessed with Mazeed who understands my mood swings is always there in the most thoughtful way . My other kids?I love them to bits as I do Marisa. They keep me on my toes and they understand me well. They know why I cry, they hug me all time because they experienced Marisa with me. All I know is that I'm different now. I try to love unconditionally. I only say things that matter. I keep my mouth shut if it's not going to make a difference. I tell my kids I love them all the time. I tell Mazeed exactly how I feel. I think life is too short to focus on things that is beyond our control. We must fight , we must be strong but when it reaches a point where there's nothing more you can do take a step back and let it happen. God knows best. You know yourself best . Don't question that.
I always feel Marisa was a gift to my family in order to make us better people. To remind us who we are.
She might not be with us anymore but she left in the best way possible, The night before she passed, I had that few hours with her.Allah gave me time to talk to her and to tell her everything I ever wanted to say to her and didn't. It wasn't easy but life is beautiful if we choose to see it that way.