I generally look forward to my every other year trip to Langkawi. Mazeed is exceptionally busy at this time so the kids and I hang out with each other all day long. We generally laze at the beach and the pool and eat and eat and eat. This year's trip felt a bit different as it's our first holiday without Marisa. Since I now know my way around Langkawi ,I'm able to brave the streets of Langkawi and just follow where the sign takes me. And of course there's Waze.😉
I was never able to do this. Car hopping and eating by the roadside. Marisa could not stand the heat and as I've mentioned some places just aren't disable friendly. I suddenly felt guilty. Doing the things I couldn't do when she was around made me feel guilty and made me realise all the things she missed in life.
We've never left her. We brought her everywhere and anywhere she wanted. We planned our days according to her but i realised it's not enough. She was never able to do or see the things we are able to. She is confined to a particular seat for half the day and the bed the other half. I spoke to the other kids about this and actually asked Mazhar to write about it. Just something to think about. How would we feel if we were completely dependent on another person?
Going back to Langkawi, I was car'less' for a day and decided to spend the day in the pool and by the beach. Mazhar was having his father son time with Mazeed and followed him to work.The girls got bored with swimming so we decided to spend some time at the Kiddies Club. Got Maisarah to finish her homework while Lisa did some coloring and looming. The lady who was minding the club asked me how many children I have. That's a hard question for me to answer. I actually had two answers for her.
1) I opened my mouth and replied 3.
2) in my heart I answered 4 and I wanted to tell this stranger all about Marisa but I can't . Momentarily the lady's voice was muted for a good minute and my thoughts went back to having my four kids with me. That was just a bit more than 3 weeks ago.
How do I answer that question? People asked my in laws how many grandchildren they have and they answered 6. It's not an easy question. It feels like when I answer 3 I've totally disregarded her existence. It might only be a number but that number was a person who meant the world to me. So, I figured there's no right or wrong answer to the question. What matters is how I feel and what is in my heart.