Salam Ramadhan . It's the first morning of Ramadhan and the house is not so quiet with Lisa watching Harry Potter for the umpteenth time and I've just yelled at Mazhar to pray and switch off his aircond. I was sitting at the corner of my kitchen flipping through my cookbooks and I saw the many cookbooks I bought with Marisa. Her cupcakes and macaroons cookbooks and even her Pooh Bear cookbook I bought her when she was a toddler. How she loved telling me how and what to cook. She would watch all the cooking shows and pick up all the cooking tips and techniques and she would tell me what to do. Yes. I was her hands while she stayed in the kitchen with me and I satisfied her cooking needs. It was fun, having someone hang with me while I cooked.I continued going through my sisters cookbook and still can't figure out what to cook. So I thought I'd open the computer hoping I could google something . when I switched my computer on , her picture appeared on my screen, staring at me and suddenly I felt the need to write about her again. The loss that I mentioned in my book... well, I'm feeling it now. Maybe it's Ramadhan . Ramadhan is the month that I stay put and I spent my days with Marisa discussing my day, what we should have for buka, what we should wear for Raya...etc. It's also the month where I love going to terawikh with Mazeed and Mazhar. I love the feeling of sitting in the mosque filled with people who are all the equal , waiting to perform the prayer. All in telukungs , differentiated by only maybe the colour of their telekungs or the design. Mazeed would make us go way early to Mazhar's displeasure . His reasoning being that we'd get a good parking spot and we should spend some time just being in the house of Allah.
I never used to go for terawikh. I always stayed home with Marisa and the younger girls while the men went. As they grew older, I have this strong need to go. It was my moment of solitude and peace that i got from going. Always preferring to be on my own and just thinking about me and my place on earth. Somehow, as I sat there amongst the hundreds of people I find peace. My answers are there and it was something i needed when caring for Marisa. The need to understand her health and my role in handling my life with her and everyone else. The mosque was an escape and my answer to every question I had. That there was no answer and that some things in life just needs to be embraced.
When she got worse I looked forward to Ramadhan feeling that I needed be part of something so meaningful. So, I'd tell her " Marisa, Mummy needs to go to terawikh ok. I shan't be long . You wait in my room with your sisters." She'd nod understanding I needed space and that I needed my me time. The mosque was my me time. Sarah and Lisa would hang by her but she's still be in charge . The kakak that would monitor her younger sisters. Last night Sarah was recollecting her time with Marisa when we'd go for terawikh. Their sister moments. I guess it's necessary to leave sometimes because her sisters needs some memories with her too. Sarah spoke with fond memories and also of the ones of which Marisa used to scold her. How we don't realise that correcting and scolding a person is a actually a memory too. That's what I tell my kids." I want you to remember what i scold you about so you know not to do it". Memories isn't always about the good things , it's also about learning from it.
I've had my outlet and wrote about Marisa and i still don't know what to cook. The sun is about to rise and the day about the begin. I'm glad it's Ramadhan . Many reasons to be thankful for . Even though it comes with a list of don'ts its a month of doing good and remembering our place on earth. Sarah reminded me again last night "Mum, Kakak is free because it's Ramadhan" She is . She is also free from all the pains and limitations she went through in life. In my mind, I picture her walking tall, dancing , cooking , reading , writing and doing all the things she loves. I would've love to see that for her. But I must believe and have faith that she is definitely in a better and in better care than she was with me. She is with her Creator. And I remind myself daily that's where I'll be too one day. Trying to be good and do good while I still can. Taking it daily and step by step. For now, I'm going have to start googling what to cook for buka. Suddenly sup Ayam and Asam pedas daging popped in mind.
Have a blessed Ramadhan everyone . May we be bless with health and happiness and may we be given the strength to live our lives the best we can......
I never used to go for terawikh. I always stayed home with Marisa and the younger girls while the men went. As they grew older, I have this strong need to go. It was my moment of solitude and peace that i got from going. Always preferring to be on my own and just thinking about me and my place on earth. Somehow, as I sat there amongst the hundreds of people I find peace. My answers are there and it was something i needed when caring for Marisa. The need to understand her health and my role in handling my life with her and everyone else. The mosque was an escape and my answer to every question I had. That there was no answer and that some things in life just needs to be embraced.
When she got worse I looked forward to Ramadhan feeling that I needed be part of something so meaningful. So, I'd tell her " Marisa, Mummy needs to go to terawikh ok. I shan't be long . You wait in my room with your sisters." She'd nod understanding I needed space and that I needed my me time. The mosque was my me time. Sarah and Lisa would hang by her but she's still be in charge . The kakak that would monitor her younger sisters. Last night Sarah was recollecting her time with Marisa when we'd go for terawikh. Their sister moments. I guess it's necessary to leave sometimes because her sisters needs some memories with her too. Sarah spoke with fond memories and also of the ones of which Marisa used to scold her. How we don't realise that correcting and scolding a person is a actually a memory too. That's what I tell my kids." I want you to remember what i scold you about so you know not to do it". Memories isn't always about the good things , it's also about learning from it.
I've had my outlet and wrote about Marisa and i still don't know what to cook. The sun is about to rise and the day about the begin. I'm glad it's Ramadhan . Many reasons to be thankful for . Even though it comes with a list of don'ts its a month of doing good and remembering our place on earth. Sarah reminded me again last night "Mum, Kakak is free because it's Ramadhan" She is . She is also free from all the pains and limitations she went through in life. In my mind, I picture her walking tall, dancing , cooking , reading , writing and doing all the things she loves. I would've love to see that for her. But I must believe and have faith that she is definitely in a better and in better care than she was with me. She is with her Creator. And I remind myself daily that's where I'll be too one day. Trying to be good and do good while I still can. Taking it daily and step by step. For now, I'm going have to start googling what to cook for buka. Suddenly sup Ayam and Asam pedas daging popped in mind.
Have a blessed Ramadhan everyone . May we be bless with health and happiness and may we be given the strength to live our lives the best we can......