I'm an avid follower of Grey's Anatomy and I hated last week's episode when they killed off Mc Dreamy. He had those dreamy eyes when he looked into Meredith's eyes....😍😍 Star world had reruns for a while but they stopped at season 3. I don't watch tv much but I enjoyed Grey's Anatomy. It was something Marisa and I watched together.
Marisa was years over her age. Hardly having her own friends and being stuck with me , our interest and likes are the same (most of the time). I greatly influenced what she watched and what she liked. Grey's Anatomy was one of them . We watched and discussed particular illnesses. We talked about death. It was our way of discussing the inevitable without directly addressing the issue.
Marisa knew what she had was terminal from a very young age. She knew that we couldn't do much to help her and she knew that our purpose was mainly to make her happy and comfortable without having to 'heal' her . I don't know how I'd feel if I was her. Being told that your days in this world are numbered.But then life is in Allah's hands. Her prognosis was not promising and she was given only 2 years but she fought so hard and we had her for 14 years after being diagnosed. That was a lot of bonus time.... She was truly a gift for all of us.
There was an episode on her illness on the show. We watched it together and discussed it . The girl's surgery was a success as oppose to hers.Marisa's tumor was large and to be able to remove even 10% of it would've been a success. Her's wasn't a complete success. She lived with her tumor because we knew it was impossible to have it totally debulked. Surgeries were meant as life extension and nothing more. After her second surgery,when her doctor who fought so hard to help her told us that there's not much we could do , we stopped all forms treatments. NO MRI's, no scans, no doctors unless necessary.....
I told her she was a remarkable and special for still being around everyday. That Allah has been very kind to me and has given me time to be with her and love her. I knew that and she knew that . It was just hard to openly talk about death to your child. So we usually go around it by talking about what we saw on Grey's Anatomy . You could say we were in denial but it was easier on my heart to just live with her day by day without knowing how much time we had with each other. Ignorance was bliss in this case.
We have repeatedly asked her if she wanted us to do more but she denied it, knowing in her heart what was best for her. I on the other hand never knew what was right , it just felt like I wasn't doing enough.
I cry for her more now than I did when she was alive. I couldn't then because I had to be strong , I couldn't because if she saw me cry she would cry too and I just had to make things as normal as possible and treat her illness as one of those things in life that we had to accept because there's only so much you can control in life. I learned that the moment I found out about her illness. So , I'm going to make most of my time with the ones I love. For now I'm going to watch the finale of Grey's Anatomy and I know afterwards I would wish desperately how I could tell her all about it. Grey's Anatomy was our thing and she was 'my person'.