I'm staring at my children's suitcase and it hits me that I'm packing for 3 instead of 4. No air mattress, no medical supplies and none of her clothes.... And my tears starts streaming down uncontrollably. That Thursday morning she was telling me how she feels well enough for this trip and that night we rushed her to the hospital. How short life is. We had our own plans for this trip so packing for the other kids now is quite hard on me......
I'm generally fine but there are just moments when it hits me . She's gone. Will i stop crying when I look at her pictures? Will my heart stop aching when I listen to Ed Sheeran on the radio or when I'm watching her favourite shows on TV. Then I realise it's fine to feel all those things. It's a reminder that I had the most precious person in my life for 18 years and a week. My life has to move forward but I don't ever have to stop thinking of her and most of all I don't ever have to stop loving her.
I spent her last four years fully taking care of her. I bathe her , I fed her , I watched TV with her and I sat with her as much as I could. Those are the best years because no one can take the memories I had with her. She was my bestfriend. She will be calling out my name everytime I enter the house. EVERYTIME. She's always telling me"Mummy I love you, you're my BFF." She'd be the one I complained to if I was upset . She was there for me always.....ALWAYS.
The odd thing is my recent memories of her is her as a baby. She was a gorgeous baby. She's the fairest of the 4 and my mum called her Snow White. I remember waiting in the gynae's room for an hour with hubby waiting to see a blurry fuzzy scan of our firstborn. And i remember the day I gave birth to her very well. As I remember the day she went into hospital and how she passed on. Honestly, having someone grow inside you, watching her grow , being well then unwell then leaving you is very very very hard.
I comfort myself in knowing she has gone to a place where she can walk, draw, find her prince charming and have things she could not have in this world. I know she is in better place. All I can say is Alhamdullilah for having had her in my life, for giving me beautiful memories, for making the whole family stronger and better Muslims. I really hope she knew how much we love her and how much she means to us. For now, I just miss her so so much.........
I'm generally fine but there are just moments when it hits me . She's gone. Will i stop crying when I look at her pictures? Will my heart stop aching when I listen to Ed Sheeran on the radio or when I'm watching her favourite shows on TV. Then I realise it's fine to feel all those things. It's a reminder that I had the most precious person in my life for 18 years and a week. My life has to move forward but I don't ever have to stop thinking of her and most of all I don't ever have to stop loving her.
I spent her last four years fully taking care of her. I bathe her , I fed her , I watched TV with her and I sat with her as much as I could. Those are the best years because no one can take the memories I had with her. She was my bestfriend. She will be calling out my name everytime I enter the house. EVERYTIME. She's always telling me"Mummy I love you, you're my BFF." She'd be the one I complained to if I was upset . She was there for me always.....ALWAYS.
The odd thing is my recent memories of her is her as a baby. She was a gorgeous baby. She's the fairest of the 4 and my mum called her Snow White. I remember waiting in the gynae's room for an hour with hubby waiting to see a blurry fuzzy scan of our firstborn. And i remember the day I gave birth to her very well. As I remember the day she went into hospital and how she passed on. Honestly, having someone grow inside you, watching her grow , being well then unwell then leaving you is very very very hard.
I comfort myself in knowing she has gone to a place where she can walk, draw, find her prince charming and have things she could not have in this world. I know she is in better place. All I can say is Alhamdullilah for having had her in my life, for giving me beautiful memories, for making the whole family stronger and better Muslims. I really hope she knew how much we love her and how much she means to us. For now, I just miss her so so much.........