After my fashion show , I was sitting on the chair too tired to do anything when the I heard my phone ring . I opened my bag, couldn't find it amongst all the junk in my bag and missed it. Finally found it and it was 'N'. I called her back and asked if everything was ok. She asked if I have left and said that she wanted to me autograph her copy of Caring for Marisa . I asked her where she was and told her to wait there and i'll go to her .
The hall was full of empty chairs and tables . Everyone had left and I saw her from afar sorting some things out . I waved at her and we walked towards each other . She was holding on to my book and she passed it to me and said "Sorry Puan , I can't look at the book cover . It makes me want to cry but please sign it for me ". We both sat down and I rolled up the cover while I signed it out to her . As I was doing so she was telling me how she has two special kids and that some days it can be challenging . She continued by saying it's not easy but she's been following my blog and she feels comforted by it . I didn't ask much and wished her luck.
The next day I received a text from her saying that she feels she's blessed to have met me because it has helped her become
a stronger mother and change her perspectives and priorities in life. Especially in being a mum . I don't see how but I'm glad . I'm happy that I can help her feel better in any way possible
.
I've been a mum to a special child so long that the truth is I don't know how to be otherwise. My kids are my life and I'm pretty much an anti social person with not many friends . It's me because most of the time I'm the one declining breakfast or lunch invitations. I have found being in my own thoughts is safe . I've had so many difficult decisions to make in my life . The most difficult one being letting Marisa go. Honestly , how do you let your child go ? Knowing that even if it's what best for her , it's definitely not easy and it haunts me everyday. That was a hard decision that had to be made .
Now, I find a inclination towards people who understands me and gives me space and does not judge me . 'Mum's like me'. With some story that we need to share but not in too much detail. With an understanding that needs no words. I'm meeting lots of mum's like me . When I go grocery shopping , when I buy food , when I'm on the internet .. there's lots of us . They're my comfort zone. I know that only they know . Funny bunch of people we are ... we need the most support but find it so hard to express and we don't know how to ask for help. Is there a correct way to ask for emotional help? Feeling alone more than normal but feeling safe that way. Does that makes sense? I'm not sure. Nothing makes much sense lately. We just go day by day.
'N' texted me again and in her message she said that she believed that our paths crossed for a reason. She believes that Allah wanted me to be of some sort of support to her. It is heartwarming to know that BUT the truth is no matter how 'inspirational' I am to some people I can't help feel like I've failed. How could I inspire when I could not save my own daughter? Eventhough I tried my best and i know her life is in not in my hands, it just feels so. It's like falling in love with the wrong person, loving too much, trusting too much... Emotions you just can't control. I'm just going to have to 'go' with it. I can't seem to lose the feeling. Life has changed so much now that she's gone. I guess I'll continue that story in my next blog...
.
The hall was full of empty chairs and tables . Everyone had left and I saw her from afar sorting some things out . I waved at her and we walked towards each other . She was holding on to my book and she passed it to me and said "Sorry Puan , I can't look at the book cover . It makes me want to cry but please sign it for me ". We both sat down and I rolled up the cover while I signed it out to her . As I was doing so she was telling me how she has two special kids and that some days it can be challenging . She continued by saying it's not easy but she's been following my blog and she feels comforted by it . I didn't ask much and wished her luck.
The next day I received a text from her saying that she feels she's blessed to have met me because it has helped her become
a stronger mother and change her perspectives and priorities in life. Especially in being a mum . I don't see how but I'm glad . I'm happy that I can help her feel better in any way possible
.
I've been a mum to a special child so long that the truth is I don't know how to be otherwise. My kids are my life and I'm pretty much an anti social person with not many friends . It's me because most of the time I'm the one declining breakfast or lunch invitations. I have found being in my own thoughts is safe . I've had so many difficult decisions to make in my life . The most difficult one being letting Marisa go. Honestly , how do you let your child go ? Knowing that even if it's what best for her , it's definitely not easy and it haunts me everyday. That was a hard decision that had to be made .
Now, I find a inclination towards people who understands me and gives me space and does not judge me . 'Mum's like me'. With some story that we need to share but not in too much detail. With an understanding that needs no words. I'm meeting lots of mum's like me . When I go grocery shopping , when I buy food , when I'm on the internet .. there's lots of us . They're my comfort zone. I know that only they know . Funny bunch of people we are ... we need the most support but find it so hard to express and we don't know how to ask for help. Is there a correct way to ask for emotional help? Feeling alone more than normal but feeling safe that way. Does that makes sense? I'm not sure. Nothing makes much sense lately. We just go day by day.
'N' texted me again and in her message she said that she believed that our paths crossed for a reason. She believes that Allah wanted me to be of some sort of support to her. It is heartwarming to know that BUT the truth is no matter how 'inspirational' I am to some people I can't help feel like I've failed. How could I inspire when I could not save my own daughter? Eventhough I tried my best and i know her life is in not in my hands, it just feels so. It's like falling in love with the wrong person, loving too much, trusting too much... Emotions you just can't control. I'm just going to have to 'go' with it. I can't seem to lose the feeling. Life has changed so much now that she's gone. I guess I'll continue that story in my next blog...
.