Since my book came out I've had the opportunity to be acquainted with many many lovely ladies who wrote me congratulating me on my book, Some said they couldn't put the book down and wanted more and some just had their stories to share. I really appreciate them and I especially love the stories that mum's like me had to share. The thing is I think they need someone to talk to, someone who understands them. Someone who allows them to feel the way they do without being judged for how they feel. The truth is I think and miss Marisa everyday. I keep it to myself because I don't want others to worry about me and I don't want my other kids to feel that I haven't moved on or that I love Marisa most even though she's gone. . I love all my kids differently.
Going back to mum stories...... I have this story I've been wanting to tell. There's a couple that sells nasi lemak in my area. Lovely lovely couple and Marisa loved their nasi lemak. I would buy it for her at least once a week with telur goreng as usual, she never liked telur rebus. When Marisa passed i couldn't go there. I stopped buying from them. I would pass by them, smile at them and walk into Mydin to buy groceries. This happened for a few a while and I felt bad. I didn't want them to think that I had a bad experience with their food or I suddenly disliked them . I knew I had to explain. One day, as I walked passed by them, there weren't many people. I decided to go talk to them. They greeted me with warmth and kindness and i had to bring myself to apologise to them as to why I haven't bought nasi lemak from the for a while. I explained to them it was because Marisa has passed and that their nasi lemak was her favourite. I told them my story with tears in my eyes and explained how I don't understand how something such as her favourite nasi lemak has a profound effect on me. They were shocked but they understood and i felt a sense a relief just by sharing my story with them. I've changed in that way. I feel the necessity to explain and be open about certain issues. Life is too short and there's just no time for misunderstanding or lies.
Anyway, shortly after that, I heard that their daughter died . A very quick illness and she was just a few years older than Marisa. My heart broke. I just cannot bear to hear a death of a child because I can feel what they are going through. Their nasi lemak van wasn't there for a long while and apparently they went for their umrah. I understand the need for that . The need to find answers as to to why your child dies before you. The truth is there is no answers. Being humans we feel the need for answers. And in this world there are many many unanswered questions.But for me when Marisa died, I find absolute calmness in prayers. That was my saviour. And for her , I can imagine the need to be in Mekah, closest to Allah and talking to Him, asking him for help in whatever is left in your life.
I drove by the place where they park the van almost everyday hoping to find them there. One day I was so pleased to see that they were there. I parked my car and made my way to the van.
I conveyed my condolences .I stood by the van and the lady and I were talking about loss and grief and how we lost our daughters and how it has changed our lives. She said the one thing she prayed for was that she would dream about her daughter. Her prayer was fulfilled when she was performing her umrah. She has found her closure.
I , on the other hand feared dreaming of Marisa. Fearing what the dream has to offer or what I'll make of it. A few of my family members has had lovely dreams about her. But I have never had a strong dream of her. Very vague with nothing concrete. I'm ok with it. But today, I woke up today with a dream. I dreamt she was standing in front of a cottage in a beautiful forest. She was about 8 or 9 years old wearing the purple and denim skirt i bought her. She didn't say anything but her look said that she'll be waiting for me and Mazeed. I'm not going to go make much of the dream but I believe she will be waiting for us. She has moved on to the other world that we will all go to one day. And I , all I've been seeing the whole day is her standing on her own. Independent, happy and in a much better place. I've told everyone this. I know she is in a better place , in better hands, but my heart, my heart is beyond my control. Always a person who loves too much , Losing her has proven to be a challenge. Life is full of challenges. Challenges that is meant to make us stronger and guide us in the right direction. I accept it with open arms and pray it will make me a better person .And to the nasi lemak lady, I pray Allah will ease our journey. It doesn't matter who are what we are, a loss is a loss , a heart is a heart and our child will always be our child whether the've passed or not......