Do you know what I usually do on Fridays ? I will usually wait till after Friday prayers and sit next to Marisa to watch Grey's Anantomy. I'm her person and Grey's Anatomy is our series. It's been a while since I did that. Watch Grey's Anatomy . It feels too hard and I don't enjoy 'our' thing since there's no more us. I try to avoid being in the place where it used to be us. I would be in sadness and the loss creeps in . So I must admit, I've been in the express lane since she passed. Hoping that things will move by that I won't feel what I've lost. I worked harder on my business, I pick up new hobbies and I make sure that I have a long list to do just so that at the end of the day i'm just too tired to even think. Hence , that's when the saying we have to keep moving applies to me. It's worked quite ok for me since I do have my two girls to keep me on my toes and Mazhar to yell at about how messy his room is. The thing is I'm busier now than I was when Marisa was around. She was the one that was supposed to take my time and required my full attention but when she was around I had time to sit and watch her movie with her. I had time to read. I had time to listen to the radio and sing with her . Now I don't allocate those time for myself as I'm busier now than when she was around. That made me grateful for all the time I did spend with her. She was never a burden, she did not restrain me . I had some limitations in movement but it was up to me to manage it. I had my quiet moments with her. I miss those. I miss being on the slow lane where I appreciated all the small things in life. I miss her asking me to nap next to her when I'm just really exhausted .
I also don't usually nap anymore but last week I was so exhausted and I fell asleep one afternoon. I woke up to the azan of Asar and suddenly tears flowed . That's my call from her when she reminds me that I had to pray and continue with my chores. As I open my eyes the room would be filled with presence of Marisa and her loss. My heart feels that she's there but my mind knows she's not. Sometimes I embrace the feeling and just cry it out and sometimes I get up quickly and know that I have to move on. I try not to speak much of it either as my other kids need to know that I'm ok . I guess I am. I'm about 75% ok. The 25% of sadness and missing I have for her is something I deal with day by day on my own. Some things are just your own and this is mine. Not many would understand me because in truth even I don't understand or know how to deal with me.
I've grown smarter and wiser. I know myself better . I choose my battles and know that there's some battles are not worth fighting for. Getting up and walking away is a good thing sometimes. Loving and believing in myself is a must. Giving myself time to be on my own is important. I'm also expressive. Mazeed will second that anytime.... And writing is how I've chosen to share my stories.
It's Friday and I just watched Grey's Anatomy on a rainy day. It brought back memories and opened a chapter in my life. My beautiful memories with Marisa. Now that I've written I feel better . My therapy... I'm going to get off this seat and get back to work now. Try to be productive. . I also think I should continue watching Grey's Anatomy on Fridays now. Still live through what I used to do with Marisa in a positive way.
I also don't usually nap anymore but last week I was so exhausted and I fell asleep one afternoon. I woke up to the azan of Asar and suddenly tears flowed . That's my call from her when she reminds me that I had to pray and continue with my chores. As I open my eyes the room would be filled with presence of Marisa and her loss. My heart feels that she's there but my mind knows she's not. Sometimes I embrace the feeling and just cry it out and sometimes I get up quickly and know that I have to move on. I try not to speak much of it either as my other kids need to know that I'm ok . I guess I am. I'm about 75% ok. The 25% of sadness and missing I have for her is something I deal with day by day on my own. Some things are just your own and this is mine. Not many would understand me because in truth even I don't understand or know how to deal with me.
I've grown smarter and wiser. I know myself better . I choose my battles and know that there's some battles are not worth fighting for. Getting up and walking away is a good thing sometimes. Loving and believing in myself is a must. Giving myself time to be on my own is important. I'm also expressive. Mazeed will second that anytime.... And writing is how I've chosen to share my stories.
It's Friday and I just watched Grey's Anatomy on a rainy day. It brought back memories and opened a chapter in my life. My beautiful memories with Marisa. Now that I've written I feel better . My therapy... I'm going to get off this seat and get back to work now. Try to be productive. . I also think I should continue watching Grey's Anatomy on Fridays now. Still live through what I used to do with Marisa in a positive way.