I've started running again..... Okayyyy , maybe not running. Jogging?.Fast walk?I'm not sure how to categorise between running, jogging and walking anymore😜😜..I stopped for a while for reasons i think you all know. I've always enjoyed running. My playlist is on, wind in my face and the speed and sweat gives me a sense a freedom and of course it relaxes me. It's the endorphins!! I remember when I get highly strung and stressed out Marisa would say "It's time for your run Mum." Even though I've started running I'm pretty sure a five year old runs faster than me now.
I go very early as I love the cool air in the morning. I love the skyline and I love the clouds. I know i should be looking 20 feet ahead of me but lately I keep looking at the sky. I'm kind of a dreamer and I used to tell Marisa that one of my fantasy when I was small was to sit up on the clouds and eat cotton candy . Jump from one cloud to another and see the world below me. i look up more often now because i wonder if she's up there living the fantasy I shared with her. I know she is in a better place, in a better world but it's a world unknown to us humans living in this world. Our temporary world. The truth is that we're dead longer than we're alive. And the question is how prepared are we for our afterlife?
Okay... not sure whether i should go there now.
Anyway, I'm not sure whether I've been neglecting Mazhar's emotional needs. He seems to be pacing in and out of our room, umnotivated and just not the Mazhar I know. He's been down , sick more than normal and not interested in going to school. Then I realised he lost a sister . He doesn't say much.Maybe men in general aren't so good at expressing themselves, irrespective of their age.I'm not sure, I only have sisters and never could understand men that well. The only two men I have in my life is Mazeed and Mazhar. The two men that means the world to me.
Going back to Mazhar, we decided to take him to the movies. Just to give him a break and spend some time bonding with him. Dinner and late night movie on a Saturday night with your parents!! Sure doesn't sound exciting but Mazhar was quick to oblige for an outing. We left the two girls at my mum's and decided to give him some undivided attention. I think he's the only 16 year old who doesn't mind hanging out with his parents. He hangs in our room and watches cycling with his dad. I'm not sure how to deal with him. He was extremely close to Marisa. Marisa called him 'Be Ar' as we used to refer to him as Baby Mazhar when he was a tiny little baby. He was Marisa's BFF and her Be Ar. Only hers.
He came into my room after Marisa's passing and asked me the difference in having lost a father and a child. They're both different in ways I can't explain but losing a child goes much much deeper. I wish he could express himself. Maybe he has his own way of dealing with it. I know that Marisa really loved him and he loves her too. Marisa will be someone that played a very important role in his life. He will something to tell his kids. How they had a brave aunt who fought an illness for so long. I don't think Mazhar reads my blog but I hope he'll feel better soon. We're always around for him and he can hang with us anytime because the truth is he is one of the pillars in this household. He's the one that hugged me when I cried, he's the one that help care for Marisa for the 16 years of his life .He's just there..... I hope he knows we're here for him and we're going to take him out for lots more movies and dinners. Just the 3 of us. I guess he will always be our Baby Mazhar too......