I'm sitting here wishing that I could blog more often. I have all these things in my head but by the end of the day I'm too tired to write. The kids have been keeping me extremely busy and I'm thankful for that. Anyways, do you know what I've been thinking about lately. YELLOW BEAR. Melissa came home from school a few days ago and told me that her friend asked about Yellow Bear so, today I'm giving in to her friends request and I'm going to write about Yellow Bear.
After I had Marisa I spent my confinement in my mum's house. All the pantang food, air halia and having the luxury of being pampered by my mum and hubby. Mum spoilt me and Mazeed came back during lunch just to cuddle and kiss his firstborn, Another thing that came with spending my confinement at my mum's was the gifts from her friends. I specifically remember a hamper with clothings and a yelow bear in it. A floppy bear that looked plain but had that pull factor to it. I decided it was going to be Marisa's bear and I put it in her cot with her. It went with her everywhere. As she grew older it became her milk holder. Then her pillow . It stuck to her and it was her 'Bantal Busuk'. Well , more like her Patung Busuk. We couldn't find a name for the bear and hence the name Yellow Bear.
Marisa couldn't bear to part with her bear. The only reason we would leave the bear behind is because of Marisa's fear of losing it. As she grew older her attachment grew stronger . Yellow Bear even went into her surgeries with her. The nurses would stick the bear under her arm and for some reason she feels safe when it's there.It's colour soon faded and the cotton came off and I had the pleasure of sewing the bear a shirt. I think I might have changed the gender of the bear from female to a male as the only material I had at that time was a blue checkered cloth. Marisa laughed about it and wasn't bothered as long as she had her bear. In the last few years of her life and she would insist on sleeping with her bear near her cheek so she could smell it. It was my daily routine when I tucked Marisa into bed. I suggested a new bear for her and I remember her response so well "The bear might be old, tattered and floppy like me but she is also very loved like me". She likened herself to her bear. In my heart, I prayed that if she loves the bear that much that would mean she knows we love her as much too.
On the night she was admitted into the hospital, I remember calling Ina and Mazhar specifically telling them that Marisa was unconscious and they needed to come quickly. I was quite calm when I made those calls and now when I think back I don't know where my strength came from. At that point the doctors already told us there was not much hope for Marisa.
Family members from my and Mazeed's family arrived swiftly. My kids arrived with Kak Yam. The girls didn't quite understand and Mazhar just broke down when he saw her. We were transferred from the ER to a room where all of us were to spent her last moments with her. What I didn't realise was that when the kids came back in the morning they brought a bag with things for Marisa. A letter telling her that she needed to get better so she could come home, some clothings for her to change into, books so that they could read to her and Yellow Bear. When Yellow Bear came out of the bag I immediately put it next to her cheek where she'd like it to be. Only this time the oxygen tubes were in the way.
I forgot about Yellow Bear after that. We were busy discussing about how to bring her back home. We brought her home and I think you all know what happened as I wrote about it in my book.....
That night. That night after my friends left and I was sitting down taking a breather and feeling the emptiness of the house without her and how it's the first time in 18 years that I didn't have to tuck her in, I realised I forgot about Yellow Bear and how Marisa would freak out if she knew I didn't take care of the bear. It was 11ish I recall. Even at the late hour I immediatley called the hospital and I remember telling them this.
"My daughter, Marisa who was in room so and so passed away today. She had a yellow bear with her and I forgot to bring it back . Can you please look for it ? I can't lose her bear. It's her favourite bear, It's her bear since she was a baby."
The nurses sensed my desperation and promised to look for it even though the chances are slim since everything has been sent to the laundry. I had such a long day already and I was so tired and I told myself, I called and I tried . If they can't find the bear I just have to accept it.
Next morning , as we were on the way to the kubur, I got a call from the hospital and they said they looked for the bear in the laundry and found it. They apologised that the bear is clean and won't have Marisa's smell anymore. That didn't matter . I was just so happy that the bear was found amongst the loads of hospital laundry.
We made our way to the hospital after kubur. I took the lift up and went to the nurses station . I introduced myself and told them that I'm here for Marisa's bear. A young lady passed the bear that's all wrapped up in plastic to me. I thanked her and turned to walk away when a lady called out . "Puan, we found the bear in the laundry. I'm sorry we that it's all clean ." She paused and continued by saying "I'm so sorry for your loss." I can see how sincere she was in saying it. Maybe she felt I needed some comforting words . Or maybe I did look like someone who's child just died less than 24 hours ago. I'm not sure....
I held on to Yellow Bear in the car. Just staring at it and thinking that I've no cheek to put it against anymore. I went home and put it in a bag along with the pillow she died on, the book she was reading , the clothes she wore to the hospital and all the things that she has asked me to keep for her. I taped the bag and put in on the top of my wardrobe when it still sits. Then I called Mazhar and told him "Please throw Marisa's things in that's in this bag only after I die." He nodded without saying a word. So everytime I enter my wardrobe, I can always see part of Yellow Bear along with the things that defined Marisa in the last few years of her life. That's where she sits now. Not near Marisa's cheek but in a bag safely in my wardrobe where she will stay for as long as I'm around. That's the story of Yellow Bear.