Last night Ina(my sister) texted me and told me that Z is in critical condition. It was about 10ish then. I'm usually asleep at that time and the truth is I read it half asleep..When I woke up in the morning (and more conscious) I saw a text saying she has passed. That came as a shock. As I slept another person passed. How unpredictable life is.
I knew Z through my sister. She heard about Marisa's condition and felt quite strongly about helping her. She recommended a place that is good with alternative treatments. I brought Marisa and still remember that that is the place Marisa was introduced to those Laz-y Boy type of chairs and loved it. We didn't meet up often but I remember her so well. Kind hearted, spirited , thoughtful and very strong willed. Always asking about Marisa through my sister. She came to visit me after Marisa passed. She looked well and healthy. I will always remember her smile and the way she talks. Few months later Ina told me she was diagnosed with cancer . Last week Ina told me she was already in critical condition. We went to visit her together. I couldn't bear to see her. she reminded me so much of Marisa during her last days and all I wanted to do was cry. Just cry because it was like reliving Marisa's last few months. In my heart I knew her time was near. Just like I knew Marisa's time was near. I was observing her and the lady next to her. She was rubbing Z's back, helping her to sit up and just kept looking at her with a look I can emphatise with. I asked Izarra who the lady was and she said "That's her mum." They looked like sisters. I think it's because Z was looking so frail that she looked older than her actual age. The sadness in her mother's face was something I could relate to. Having to accept the fact that your child will pass before you....It was hard to watch. We couldn't stay long for two reasons. Firstly, we didn't want to take her time and secondly we couldn't bear seeing her. I hugged her as we were leaving and she whispered in my ear "Thanks so much for coming and please, please doa for me."
In that moment I realised what she is asking for is for me to doa for her afterlife . Life meant nothing to her. I saw it in her eyes. I felt it in my heart and again I questioned what is important to me and my life.
She's gone now. Passed away peacefully on a Friday, like Marisa. Death takes a lot out of me than it did before. Maybe having to watch Marisa slowly take her last breath before my eyes is why. You tend to go back to that moment because it's the last moment . I don't know...... And there's no way to tell people about it because it would seem that I'm not moving on or I'm expecting sympathy. I'm not. I'd just like to be allowed to be sad when I need to. It's a feeling and I'd like to tell everyone to just go with it or let me be. Now when I cry I just tell my kids why. It could be because I'm sad or because I'm missing Marisa or I'm just not sure why I'm crying about but I am!! They have come to accept my irrational reasons. Poor kids!!
After the news I told Mazeed that I wanted to go to the kubur this morning. He generally obliges and I don't know why being there sometimes is necessary for me. It's for me. Maybe it's because it's the only physical part of her thats left on this world. Maybe!! I'm too emotional, I feel to much and my imagination takes me to places where it shouldn't go. That's me.
People tell me I'm strong but I don't think so. I take a day at a time. I make sure I have a list of things I must do everyday. I try to be productive and I try to be my best. I've met others who are so so amazing but maybe they're not as expressive as me. As Mazhar says "Mummy emo....". He's right at times. I generally pen down my emotions.. Do that!! seriously therapeutic without worrying about what people think about you...
Going back to today, today is the day someone I knew died. There will be many more. That has been promised to us.I have to learn to get better at dealing with it. I have to learn how to manage myself.
To Z's family, have faith. You're so blessed to have had such a beautiful person in your life. It won't be easy, you will never quite get 'over' it but you will learn to live with it. And life will go on with a few changes. And you'll adapt and you'll always always love her.Hugs and doa's from me. May she be placed amongst the righteous . Al fatihah.
I knew Z through my sister. She heard about Marisa's condition and felt quite strongly about helping her. She recommended a place that is good with alternative treatments. I brought Marisa and still remember that that is the place Marisa was introduced to those Laz-y Boy type of chairs and loved it. We didn't meet up often but I remember her so well. Kind hearted, spirited , thoughtful and very strong willed. Always asking about Marisa through my sister. She came to visit me after Marisa passed. She looked well and healthy. I will always remember her smile and the way she talks. Few months later Ina told me she was diagnosed with cancer . Last week Ina told me she was already in critical condition. We went to visit her together. I couldn't bear to see her. she reminded me so much of Marisa during her last days and all I wanted to do was cry. Just cry because it was like reliving Marisa's last few months. In my heart I knew her time was near. Just like I knew Marisa's time was near. I was observing her and the lady next to her. She was rubbing Z's back, helping her to sit up and just kept looking at her with a look I can emphatise with. I asked Izarra who the lady was and she said "That's her mum." They looked like sisters. I think it's because Z was looking so frail that she looked older than her actual age. The sadness in her mother's face was something I could relate to. Having to accept the fact that your child will pass before you....It was hard to watch. We couldn't stay long for two reasons. Firstly, we didn't want to take her time and secondly we couldn't bear seeing her. I hugged her as we were leaving and she whispered in my ear "Thanks so much for coming and please, please doa for me."
In that moment I realised what she is asking for is for me to doa for her afterlife . Life meant nothing to her. I saw it in her eyes. I felt it in my heart and again I questioned what is important to me and my life.
She's gone now. Passed away peacefully on a Friday, like Marisa. Death takes a lot out of me than it did before. Maybe having to watch Marisa slowly take her last breath before my eyes is why. You tend to go back to that moment because it's the last moment . I don't know...... And there's no way to tell people about it because it would seem that I'm not moving on or I'm expecting sympathy. I'm not. I'd just like to be allowed to be sad when I need to. It's a feeling and I'd like to tell everyone to just go with it or let me be. Now when I cry I just tell my kids why. It could be because I'm sad or because I'm missing Marisa or I'm just not sure why I'm crying about but I am!! They have come to accept my irrational reasons. Poor kids!!
After the news I told Mazeed that I wanted to go to the kubur this morning. He generally obliges and I don't know why being there sometimes is necessary for me. It's for me. Maybe it's because it's the only physical part of her thats left on this world. Maybe!! I'm too emotional, I feel to much and my imagination takes me to places where it shouldn't go. That's me.
People tell me I'm strong but I don't think so. I take a day at a time. I make sure I have a list of things I must do everyday. I try to be productive and I try to be my best. I've met others who are so so amazing but maybe they're not as expressive as me. As Mazhar says "Mummy emo....". He's right at times. I generally pen down my emotions.. Do that!! seriously therapeutic without worrying about what people think about you...
Going back to today, today is the day someone I knew died. There will be many more. That has been promised to us.I have to learn to get better at dealing with it. I have to learn how to manage myself.
To Z's family, have faith. You're so blessed to have had such a beautiful person in your life. It won't be easy, you will never quite get 'over' it but you will learn to live with it. And life will go on with a few changes. And you'll adapt and you'll always always love her.Hugs and doa's from me. May she be placed amongst the righteous . Al fatihah.