A few months back I was approached by a lovely lady to speak about my book at a fashion show which will showcase my teeny tiny online business I started with Marisa. The lady wanted me to inspire other ladies and give them strength and hope. She further explained that it'll be a High Tea and fashion show . The theme of high tea is "A celebration of women in strength and beauty". She further mentioned that I'm perfect for it!! Really?? The truth is I never thought of myself of either one of them so I'm not sure how to go about it and I've never down anything on such a large scale. What I know is that I must do my best.
When Marisa's condition worsened it took a lot of me. I emotional , I was depressed and I couldn't control or help how I felt. Everything felt like it was going downhill. She was getting worse , I'm stuck at home and we're both just feeling depressed about everything. We knew it, we felt it but we didn't know what to do about it. I didn't know whether I was entitled to feel the way I do because whatever I was going through Marisa was going through worst. I felt guilty about wanting to have my own life and be my own person. I spoke to a very close of mine and she suggested that I start something with Marisa. Do something to distract ourselves from the harsh reality of life and have an escape. . I remember asking her " Marisa, should I do an online business?" It was a permission I needed from her. She said "You should Mum. " I went on rambling about we should do it together and that she can help me with ideas and how I should build this business of ours. I had ridiculous names for the business such as Stripes and Bows and names not memorable enough for me to even mention. I was complaining to Marisa and I said "Please think of a name for the business Marisa." She too came up with ridiculous names and finally said "Mum, I think you should name it Just Mar's . It should be all about you and what you do." That's what I did. I named it Just Mar's. We set it up together. Facebook, Instagram and posting of pictures. It started of with just shawls and eventually to batiks. I remember sitting next to her and she'd help me choose colours, designs , what pictures i should post and I'd force her to like all my pictures because I had so few followers. (Yes..... I'm a sad case) .It was good memories. She would suggest what I should do and I would follow through. It was a distraction we needed.At some point it was my sanity . To do something for myself and yet still be with her..I cannot leave her . I was never at rest when I'm not with her so Just Mar's was my saviour. My own small business with her. There was one particular story I remember so well.
There's this orange blouse that this 70 year old lady designer of mine drew. It was gorgeous. I held it up and told Marisa that I loved it. She said "Mum, if you like it so much you should keep it for yourself". My business mind told me to sell it but my heart knew she was right. I kept the blouse.
On the night she complained she had trouble breathing and we had to rush to the hospital i wore that orange blouse. I wore that blouse when i laid next to her when she was unconscious and I wore it the next day when i was holding her and she took her last breath. To me, it feels like she chose the blouse for me for her death.
I believe things happen for a reason. I believe Just Mar's is something we started together and intended for me to continue in memory of her. I go through her drawings and try to use them for my designs. In my heart, I can't help being that mum who wished the world for her. I always saw her as a writer or a designer. She never could do it for herself but she is so much of me that I feel this is gift to her. Maybe it's not about her because she's gone. Maybe it's for me .I can't stop being Marisa's mum.
Next Friday , I'll be talking about my book and telling them how I started Just Mar's with Marisa. Never once in my life did I think that I'd write a book or have my own fashion show. How could I ? I spent practically my whole life focusing on Marisa and my family. I didn't do much of anything else. As my mum says , "Adik, your whole life is a bonus." Marisa, my family,my book and now the fashion show. So now I can say, don't ever underestimate yourself even if you feel so lost and you feel life has no meaning. It has. Try not to lose who you are and most of all believe in yourself. Marisa , my child who could do nothing and lived with her brain tumor almost all her life taught me that. Many times I feel so lost but the truth is so many windows opened for me with her in my life. I just have to pick my life where it stopped with Marisa and continue to be the best Marhaini I can be.